Lockin' Hearts --The Harry Potter Dating Game
by Fred George and Lee
Summary: It's a brand new episode with, well, you'll just have to read it to find out...
1. The Harry Potter Dating game gone horrib...

Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart!!!!  
*The Harry Potter Dating Game*  
By Fred, George, and Lee  
  
Lockhart: Welcome welcome ladies and gentlemen to Lockin' Hearts! I'm your charming and beautiful host, Gilderoy Lockhart! If you want to know more about me, just read my new autobiography, "Magical Me"! It's simple: just send 23 Galleons care of my address--  
  
(Offstage): Gilderoy! Stuff it!  
  
Lockhart: Oh! Right! *the audience gives a very audible sigh of relief* You guys don't know my address! Well! It's 8130 Alihotsy Str--  
  
(That offstage guy again): Lockhart! The show...  
  
Lockhart: Oh! That's right! The show! That's right! For you who don't know what Lockin' Hearts is, and that would be a lot of you since this is the first chapter (A/N--don't worry, we have more...*evil cackle*) it is the dating game for the wizarding world! So, before we run out of time, let's introduce our first little bachelorette! She loves to study, study, and, well, study! Let's give a big Hogsmeade welcome to--to *he squints at the paper* er, Hermy-own Granger!!  
  
Hermione (looking rather disgruntled as she slumps on to the set): My name is pronounced Her-my-oh-nee, thank you very much.  
  
Lockhart: Don't bother the me, kid, because it's time to bring out our first contestant! He loves to play Quidditch, eat large peanutbutter-and-strawberry ice creams, and beat the crud out of the Dark Lord Voldemort! Say hello to Harry Potter!  
  
Hermione: Harry?  
  
Harry: Hermione?  
  
Lockhart: Our second bachelor comes from a pureblood family, likes chess, and, um, has a lot of freckles! Here comes Ron Weasley!  
  
Ron: Yeah, Hermione, it's me.  
  
Hermione: Weren't you our Defense teacher in second year?  
  
Ron: Yeah, you were!  
  
Lockhart (with one of those incredibly annoying rougeish grins): Now, now, cut the chit-chat! We're about to introduce you to our third contestant!  
  
Ron: Wonder who it is this time? Moaning Myrtle? (he chuckles at his own joke)  
  
Harry and Hermione: Shut up, Ron.  
  
Lockhart: Yeah, Ron, you're spoiling all the drama.  
  
Hermione: There was drama in this show? Thanks for telling.  
  
Lockhart: Fine. You're ruining the MOOD. Is that better, Har-mee-on?  
  
Hermione: Her-my-own-nee.  
  
Lockhart: That reminds me! We need our third bachelor! Hope you like athletic types, Her-my-ninny, because, this one also plays Quidditch. He enjoys Potions class, too, and especially loves sneering uncontrollably! Come out on the set, Mr. Draco Malfoy!!  
  
*Hermione doesn't even bother correcting Lockhart, she is so stunned*  
  
Harry: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!  
  
Draco: (seeing the muderous look on Ron's face) Don't worry, Weasley, I wouldn't go out with that Mudblood if you paid me.  
  
Lockhart: (doesn't seem to notice the offensive word) Now, Her-- Her-- Whatever the heck your name is--  
  
Hermione: HER-MY-OWN-NEE! My name is pronounced HER-MY-OWN-NEE!!!  
  
Lockhart: Of course it is. Now, you have some cards in your hands, so what you have to do is--  
  
Hermione: I know what I have to do.  
  
Lockhart: What? How do you know what to do? This is supposed to be the premiere episode!  
  
Hermione: I'm Muggle-born. There's a Muggle show like this and I used to watch it.  
  
Harry: You used to watch the Dating Game????  
  
Hermione: Yeah, so? Oh, wait, no, Harry, that wasn't the question. Okay, um, my favorite thing to do in my spare time is study. Do you like to study?  
  
Harry: Um, usually you are the one that does the studying for us, though, Hermione.  
  
Ron and Hermione: HEY! That was supposed to be a SECRET!  
  
Harry(going rather red and mumbling): oops, sorry....  
  
Hermione: Sheesh. Okay, Ron, er, Bachelor Two, sorry, what is your favorite subject in school?  
  
Ron: Ummm, I don't know...(says the first subject that comes to his head) Divination!  
  
Hermione: (looking at Ron weird) Ooooookay...Now, Contestant number 3, If I were to pick you for a date, where would you take me?  
  
Draco: Er, um, I'd take you to the... Leaky Cauldron and...buy you a drink! Yeah, buy you a drink!  
  
Hermione: *undertone* I never knew you cared...*normal voice* Bachelor One--Oh, my gosh, I can't ask you this!  
  
Lockhart: Go on, er, Harmony! That is your name, isn't it--?  
  
Hermione: (In a very strained sort of voice) No. My name is Hermione. Is that too hard for your fat head to comprehend?  
  
Lockhart: Yes! I mean no! I mean, uh, what was the question?  
  
Hermione: Forget it. Harry, I guess I'll have to ask you this *takes a deep breath* If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be? There! I said it!  
  
Harry (turning even redder than he did before) Umm, it would be...be...er, it would be, oh! That's it! A bee!  
  
Hermione: Heaven forbid. Okay, Ron,What is your favorite color and why do I care?  
  
Ron: Chudley Cannons orange. And I know you don't care.  
  
Hermione: Correct! Now, number three.  
  
Draco: Hm?  
  
Hermione: If you had to like one member of the Weird Sisters, who (A/N: or possibly "whom") would it be?  
  
Draco: You don't care!  
  
Hermione: Nuh-uh. I'm not taking that from you.  
  
Draco: The one that plays the cello.  
  
Hermione: Well, I'm all finished with the cards, so...(a smile flirts with her features) I guess I have to choose one of you!  
  
Lockhart: That's right! But-  
  
Hermione: Nose out, Lockhart. I choose...Bachelor number three!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Audience: What?  
  
Hermione (turning magenta): Well, I've always sort of liked Draco...and I like the Leaky Cauldron...And I wanted to get back at Harry for letting out our secret!  
  
Draco: So THAT'S who's been playing footsie with me under the Potions table!  
  
Hermione: *giggles* yeah. So, I guess the show's over then...  
  
Harry: Thank the stars.  
  
Ron: Don't remind me of Divination.  
  
Harry: What!? I thought that was your favorite subject! (A/N: He's joking. Duh.)  
  
Lockhart: Well, that's it! That's our show! Okay, turn the cameras off....  
  
  
  
(A/N: So, howd'ya like it? We really want to know! And perhaps, if you're light on the flames and you really like it, then we just might roll out some more! Aw, c'mon, don't you want to see how Draco and Hermione's date went?  
---------Fred, George, and Lee 


	2. Episode Two

Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart!  
*The Harry Potter Dating Game*  
By Fred, George, and Lee  
  
Hey! Guess what! We forgot the disclaimer last time (shame, shame!) so here is the one for both chapters:  
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Absolutely nothing. We are making no money off of this little fic!!! There. Are you satisfied??? Good. Now then, on with the show!  
  
Lockhart: Welcome back, Ladies and Gentleman, to Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart! *The audience applauds* Ah, me public. Do you all like my robes? I got them at Gladrags...I'm one of their most famous patrons...  
  
(The offstage guy): *menacingly* Gilderoy...  
  
Lockhart (totally oblivious): What? Is my hair sticking up or something?  
  
(The offstage guy): THE SHOW!!! LOCKIN' HEARTS!!! REMEMBER!?!?!?  
  
Lockhart: Oh yeah! Well, today we will get a new bachelorette and she will hopefully hook up with one of these guys! But first, Her- Her- Her...is it okay if I just call you Hermy?  
  
Hermione: No.  
  
Lockhart: Spiffing. We're going to see how your and Draco's little fling went! *Leaving no time for Hermione to talk* Well, speak up, Herms, we haven't got all day!  
  
Hermione: Hermione! And I really have to say...(voice fades)  
  
Lockhart: Little louder Hermy! We're on TV now! Speak your words to the wizarding world!  
  
Hermione: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap......  
  
Lockhart: Can we get a translator here? I don't speak crap. Ahh, Draco! How did your date go? What did you do?   
  
Draco: *turns bright red* uhh...we..umm... went to the park and...umm..ate hotdogs! Yeah, we went to the park and ate hotdogs!  
  
Lockhart: Aw, come on, Draco, tell us all what really happened!  
  
*Draco turns an even brighter shade of maroon*  
  
Lockhart: Okay. Let's try this again. *Walks behind Hermione* What did you really do on your date with Draco?  
  
Hermione: Oh crap, oh crap...(Lockhart kicks her) Oh, right... uh, well, we, umm, we went to the Dragon's Nest--you know, that really nice restaurant in Hogsmeade. He bought me a fancy dinner and a beautiful dessert to go with it. Then he brought me to that romantic lily pond just a while away from the village and it had gorgeous lily pads and lilies all over it...and...and...(she starts to giggle uncontrollably)  
  
Lockhart: And..?  
  
Hermione: *she too is turning red* Oh, it's too embarrassing! *she claps Lockhart unintentionally hard on the back*  
  
Lockhart: *rubbing his back* Well! So, Draco, are you going to stay with Herms or leave her?  
  
Draco: But...uh...but...Hey! What about Hermione? She's dating Viktor Krum! I don't see anybody making her dump anyone!  
  
Lockhart: Too true! Herm-ee-own, who are you going to dump?  
  
Hermione: I think.......I think I'll dump Viktor!  
  
Draco: What am I going to tell Pansy??!!!???!!!  
  
Lockhart: That's your problem, kid! Now your turn! Who are you going to dump?  
  
Draco: Errrr...ummm...I think I'll dump Pansy. She always was a bit annoying. Besides, Pans, I never could understand how you could look into a mirror with your face.  
  
Lockhart: You go...uhhh...boy...  
  
*Hermione and Draco walk offstage*  
  
Lockhart: Join me after our commercial break for our new bachelors and bachelorette!  
  
Ad person: are your teeth disgusting and brown or yellow? Do you get laughed at for your crooked mandibles? Are your teeth, quite frankly, ugly? Then that's your problem. I don't care! I quit!  
  
Lockhart: Welcome back, ladies and gents! Today we have 4 brand-spankin'-new guests coming to Lockin' Hearts, so first our little lady! She's descendant of veela, looking for a job at Hogwarts, and a former Triwizard champion! Say hello to Fleur Delacour!  
  
* Fleur glides out and blows a kiss. The audience sighs.*  
  
Lockhart: And now our three bachelors! (undertone) Wait a second, these are the same guys as last time! Where are the new people?!?  
  
(offstage guy): They got hit by a blimp. How am I supposed to know?  
  
Lockhart: (still undertone) Great. Juuuust great. The second show and things are already messed! (normal voice) Okay! This week's bachelors are Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Draco Malfoy!  
  
Hermione:(staring daggers at Fleur) Don't go there, girlfriend. Draco's mine.  
  
Draco: You tell her, sweetie!  
  
*All the boys are looking extremely unhappy--all except for, of course, Ron, who's gazing in a daze at Fleur. He sighs.*  
  
Fleur *with a very heavy French accent* : Bachelor number one?  
  
Harry: (trying not to look at the half veela) What?  
  
Fleur: I like ze grasslands, vis ze beautiful vildflowers. Do you prefer ze mountains, ze grasslands, or ze ocean?  
  
Harry: I like "ze" inside.  
  
Fleur: Zat vas not von of ze answers.  
  
Harry: It's good enough. Now go on to Ron, that should stop his drooling.  
  
Fleur:Alright. Contestant two?  
  
Ron: *Sort of snapping out of it* Huh?  
  
Fleur: Vat iss your favorite magical creature?  
  
*Ron is still in his stupor, thinking, 'magical creature? what the HECK is a magical creature?' He remebers, but not fully, and says the first thing that comes to his head (uh-oh...)*  
  
Ron: Flobberworms!  
  
Fleur: Ooooookay......Now for number three--  
  
Draco: NO! I REFUSE TO ANSWER! MY GIRL IS HERMIONE!  
  
Fleur: Lockhart, take zis lunatique avay.  
  
Lockhart: Happy to...babe.  
  
Fleur: Babe...? I've never had anyvon call me "babe" before..(A/N: She's probably lying. You never can tell with that Veela blood.) *Fleur eyes Lockhart and sees that he is extremely hot.* Lockhart? I am going to forget these dolts and choose YOU!  
  
Lockhart: Okay! I'm game!  
  
Fleur: Alright. Let's go!  
  
  
A/N: Well, that was our second chapter! We really hope you like it and we really hope you review. In fact, to make sure you do, here is a challenge: We've got to name the offstage guy! Ya see, he keeps on making these appearances, and we can't just keep calling him "the offstage guy", now, can we? So, tell us the name of the offstage guy and we will give you recognition in our next story. Now, the offstage guy doesn't have to be from the books, but he can. So! Review, tell us a good name, and just perhaps you will get an appearance in the next chapter! And the next chapter promises to be good, as it stars...well...let's just say the offstage guy gets some new bachelors....  
  
-----Fred, George, and Lee 


	3. Special Hogwarts Teachers Edition

Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart  
The Harry Potter Dating Game  
By Fred, George, and Lee  
  
Disclaimer: Potter. *GRUNT* What do we o-own? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'!!!! Okay, that was a little weird...well, more than a little weird. Yes, that was weird. *'Fred' to 'Lee'* You're strange, Lee. *'Lee' to 'Fred'*If I'm strange, you're stranger.* *'George' to 'Fred and 'Lee'* Stop it! You have a fic to write!  
  
Oooooookay. Here it is, the absolutely hilarious Hogwarts Teachers Edition of our very own Harry Potter Dating Game  
Be afraid, be very afraid...wait, what are you doing? Don't click the "Back" Button! Read the fic, for crying out loud! Didn't your mom ever tell you to face your fears?  
  
Lockhart:Here we are, ladies and gentlepersons! Welcome to the Teachers Edition of Lockin' Hearts with your magical host, MEEEEEEEEEEE! Gilderoy Lockhart! You know, I'm in the running for Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award again this year, so all you witches out there, can I have your vote? It would be greatly appreciated.  
  
Offstage Guy: I wanna recount. Shut up or I swear to Heaven I'll do it for you, Gilderoy.   
  
Lockhart: Whatever. Hey, guess what!  
  
Offstage Guy: There's a show going on! So...  
  
Lockhart: Which show? I don't think that I recognize the set *Mr. Offstage scrolls up and points to the title* Ohhhh. I get it! Okies, today we have some very special guests on our show, so let me introduce you to our lovely bachelorette, Minerva McGonagall! She teaches Transfiguration!  
  
*Thump! Thump! Thump! goes the audience. Don't ask me why, it's one of 'George''s crazy ideas.* *Hogwarts students in the crowd faint*  
  
McGonagall: Oh my goodness, why on earth did I agree to this? *sigh!* *Grumbling* This is so embarassing...  
  
Lockhart: What was that, Minnie?  
  
McGonagall: Oh, no.  
  
Lockhart: Right. Anyway, we must introduce our new bachelors! Our first contestant is the Potions Master at Hogwarts, a favorite of everyone who knows him, say hello to Professor Severus Snape! But you can just call him Snape. Everyone does.  
  
*Audience boos, except for a very lonely Draco Malfoy.*  
  
Lockhart: The second contestant is the headmaster of Hogwarts School, Professor Albus Dumbledore, who teaches...hey, wait a sec, he doesn't teach anything, he's just the headmaster! Why do they call him professor?!?!?  
  
Dumbledore: Beats me.  
  
Lockhart: Right. Now, onward...to introduce our 3rd and final bachelor! This...ahem...little (get it?) guy teaches Charms over there at the school. Please welcome Professor...er...umm, let's just call him Flitwick! The first name is unknown to me at this time, I'm sure you all understand...  
  
*more thumping in the audience*  
  
Snape: Oh my gosh. Ohhhhh my gosh.  
  
Dumbledore: *chuckles and smiles* How fun!  
  
Flitwick: Ohhhhhh nooooo..........  
  
Lockhart: Now, no more mopin' around, bachelors! Hit it, girl!  
  
McGonagall: Err... Bachelor number one? Oh, my gosh, there is NO chance I am ever going to say this!  
  
Lockhart: Aww, come on, Minnie! The crowd is waiting!  
  
*Bachelors look at each other. "Minnie?"*  
  
McGonagall: Why me? *After a dirty look at Lockhart* Okay. Bachelor Number One...Would you...oh, GOSH, how embarassing...Would you...errr...kiss me on a first date?  
  
Snape: Why me? Umm..err... *Turns an absolutely brilliant shade of red* uh, no...yes? *shrugs*  
  
*Thump, thump!*  
  
McGonagall: Egads! I hope that was the worst question! Bachelor Two, oh, goodness, not another embarassing one...Where would you take me on a date?  
  
Dumbledore: I dunno, where would you like to go?  
  
McGonagall: Oh, heavens, I don't know! Next question! Flitwick, would you like me if I was poor?  
  
Flitwick: Of course! That was easy!  
  
McGonagall: Heh heh... Umm, Severus? *she plunges on, not even bothering to look at the question at hand* Bachelor Number One, what kind of shampoo do you use? Wait a minute, what does that have to do with anything?  
  
*Thump, thump*  
  
Snape: *his bright red turns to an ugly purplish-green as he mumbles-* Idousshpoo...  
  
McGonagall: Umm...what?  
  
Lockhart: Speak up, Snapey!  
  
Snape *eyes narrowing dangerously* I'll get you for this, Lockhart...Okay, if you MUST know, Minerva, I, errrr....Don't use it.  
  
*Thump, thump*  
  
McGonagall: *trying to supress a strong fit of giggling* Tee hee hee..okay, Dumbledore, your turn. I like to eat chocolate eclairs because, um, they're yummy. My laws, who thinks up these questions? Don't answer that. So. Bachelor 2, what do you like to eat and why?  
  
Dumbledore: I really like chipolatas. They aren't messy and don't get tangled up in your beard.  
  
McGonagall: I'm suprised, Albus, you never seemed like the chipolata type. Now, onward--Flitwick--Hey, look, a question that makes half-sense! Wow! Anyway. What do you consider as your greatest talent?  
  
Flitwick: Well, um, I can do a mean Banishing Charm...and I can sort of sing...  
  
Snape: Don't.  
  
Flitwick: Hey!  
  
Lockhart: Enough of this! It's time for you to pick a guy, Minnie! So, tell us, girl, who's your dreamdate?  
  
McGonagall: I choose........ummmmmmm......number three?  
  
Lockhart: Hey, Bachelor Number Three, step on out, you old smoothie! Come and step UP to your date!  
  
McGonagall: *totally red, looking at floor* Hi.  
  
Flitwick: *He's pink, and he's looking at the floor too* Hi.  
  
Lockhart: Will the poor rejected contestants please leave the stage at this time? *Snape walks off, looking embarassed and mad. Dumbledore is laughing silently*  
  
Lockhart: Thanks a bunch for joining me today for another episode of Lockin' Hearts! With me! Gilderoy! *winks*   
  
*thump*  
  
  
A/N: Okay, okay, we KNOW McGonagall was WAY out of character there, but, hey, just the fact that she would GO on the show means that she's out of character. You should have seen it coming, you potential flamers out there. But you have to admit that Dumbledore and Snape were in character! We know for a fact (well, sort of) that Professor Snape doesn't wash his hair. And Dumbledore would have taken it that way, you know? OH! And this message from the 'Lee' of our group:  
I am a Star Wars fan as well as a Harry Potter fan, and since I am typing at the moment, I put a little Star Wars quote in there. Anyone who can find it, put it in the review (you WILL review, remember?) and you'll be mentioned in the next story. Aw, c'mon, it's not THAT hard to find...  
  
This will probably be the second-to-last of the Lockin' Hearts junk. The next and final episode will be a "switcharound"--meaning that there will be three girls, with the guy asking the questions. How terribly fun! See ya next time! Always brush your teeth! 


	4. Absolutely Spiffing Switcharound Episode

Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart  
Very Special Switcharoo Episode!  
By Fred, George, and Lee  
  
Disclaimer: No grindylows were hurt in the making of this fanfiction...Oooops! Wrong disclaimer! We own nothing. Well, nearly nothing...We do own the show! *Sigh*....our brainchild! Okay, okay, we think we are right in guessing you just might want to read an actual story! Well, you could, just MAYBE read our fic.  
  
Lockhart: Hello hello everybody! Welcome to the last episode of Lockin' Hearts!  
  
Offstage guy: Wait a sec...why is it being canceled?!? It was a great show (A/N: Remember?) !?!?!?  
  
Lockhart: Ratings sucked... you see, it was on the same time as "Friends" and "Survivor". What could we expect? I mean, I wouldn't even watch the show...I watch the Gilmore Girls.  
  
Offstage guy: You watch the Gilmore Girls? That is like the chick-flickiest show on television! EVER!  
  
Lockhart: *Looking hurt* Yeah? So? Tristen reminds me of ME! Charming all the ladies...  
  
Offstage Guy: Whatever. Just narrate, Gilderoy.  
  
Lockhart: Could somebody get me a dictionary? I don't recall "narrate" coming up on my 7th year vocabulary and literature finals...  
  
Offstage guy: How about "total egotist"? Just host, Lockhart, or I'll feed you to the Loch Ness Kelpie!  
  
Lockhart: Okay, okay, okay. Today we have a very very special treat for you all! It is the Switcharound episode, where the three guys are replaced by three gals, and the lovely lady is replaced by an extremely good lookin' gentleman! So! Let's waste no time ---  
  
Offstage guy: You're kidding, right?  
  
Lockhart: --in introducing our cool bachelor! He has had the privelige of being on our show not once, but twice before! He--well, you probably know him already, but what the hey--he's a 15-year-old 5th year at Hogwarts!  
  
Harry: *grumble grumble grumble*  
  
Lockhart: Say "hey" to our audience, Harry!  
  
Harry: Hey to our audience Harry.  
  
Lockhart: Wow, Harry, you are one lucky contestant, because today you are getting three of the cutest girls at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry! So, let's get it on! Our first bachelorette loves to play Quidditch and assorted Muggle sports. She had a boyfriend until he was killed by You-Know-Who last year! Say hello to Cho Chang!  
  
*Cho strides out on stage with a winning smile and sits down in her chair. Harry is in shock, thinking this is WAY too good to be true. Cho? REALLY?!?!*  
  
Lockhart: This next chick is also a veteran contestant of Lockin' Hearts! She is the cleverest witch in her year, and also sort of pretty. Wait a sec, last time we checked, she was going out with Draco Malfoy? What's up with that?  
  
Hermione:Well, something...sort of...happened....*bursts into tears* HE CHEATED ON ME! HE KEPT ON SMILING AND...FLIRTING WITH (sob) PARVATI THE !@#$% PATIL!!!! WAAAAAAAA!  
  
*Cho pats Hermione gingerly on arm*  
  
Lockhart: Too bad, so sad. Anyway, before we run out of time, we've got to introduce the third bacherlorette! She is the youngest of 7 kids, and has bright red hair! She has also had a crush on you, Harry, since, well, the beginning of time! Here comes Ginny Weasley!  
  
Ginny: Shut up, you fathead!  
  
Lockhart: Darling girl. Simply darling...Alright, enough of that. Harry, you can go ahead and ask the questions on the cards! Go ahead! Go on!  
  
Harry: Mmm? Oh, right. Err, Bachelorette number one?  
  
Cho: Yeah?  
  
Harry: Ummm, I, er, comb my hair to make myself special for a date. You know, get rid of these cowlicks. What do you do to get yourself all, ahh, nice for a date?  
  
Cho: I wear the dress robes that complement my coloring. Oh, and I like to use this perfume...It's called Ocean Spray no.7...That's my Quidditch number, you see. Seven.  
  
Harry: That's really great, Cho. Okay, now, Hermione, what is, oh, my heck, what the freak does this have to do with anything? Oh, well, though. What's your favorite flower? I suppose they expect me to make a corsage for the girl I pick or something *pulls a face*.  
  
Hermione: *With a look of utter disbelief on her face* Ummmmm, I like......daffodils.....  
  
Harry: Right. Ginny?  
  
Ginny: *Smiling nervously* Yes?  
  
Harry: What is your best subject at Hogwarts?  
  
Ginny: Well, I'm really good at Astronomy, so--  
  
Harry: That's nice. Cho--er, Contestant One, I mean--*tee hee! He's in lo-ove!* I've got a question for you, and, umm, is it okay if I ask it?  
  
Cho: Isn't that what you're supposed to do?  
  
Harry: Um, yeah, oh, right. Would you rather hang out with your friends or hang out with me?  
  
*Cho is in a tight spot. She knows the answer better than anyone, but she sees the expectant look on Harry's face and just can't bear to tell the truth...*  
  
Cho: Wellllllllllllllllll.....What I mean to say is.... umm.... I'd hang out with both of you, yeah! Both of you!  
  
Harry: *A little disappointed* Oh. Hermione? Oh, Hermiiiiione? Hello? Are you there? OY! HERMIONE!  
  
Hermione: *Just waking up from a little doze* Huhhhhhh...? Wha.. Oh! Harry! What is it?  
  
Harry: My worst habit is falling asleep in Divination. What is your worst habit?  
  
Hermione: Understandable. My worst habit is falling asleep during Lockin' Hearts. *Yawns*  
  
Harry: I know what you mean. Okay *gulps* ummm....Bachelorette Number Three?  
  
Ginny: *Smiling goofily at Harry with eyes as wide as dinner plates* What is it, Harry?  
  
Harry: *A little freaked out by all of this* Errrrrr, if you were an Animagi what animal would you be?  
  
Ginny: *undertone* I'd turn into YOU, Harry...*Normal voice, but a bit high-pitched* Ummm...A cat? A dog? Something...  
  
Harry: Oooooooooooookay....Um, Cho? I-   
  
Lockhart: Wait, wait a sec, Harry! I've just got to stop you here for a minute for a very important moment! You get to pick a DATE!  
  
Harry: *Looking at Cho, (of ALL people)* Great!  
  
*Cho looks a bit...uncomfortable here, and we hope you know WHY...*  
  
Cho: Uh..heh heh heh..mmm..  
  
Harry: I pick Cho!!!!!!!  
  
Cho: Oh, GREAT... simply spiffing...just..heh heh...corking... *undertone* why me?  
  
*Harry is grinning from ear to ear*  
  
Lockhart: Well! That was a simply terrific episode! Hope to see you soon...wait, just a second...  
  
*finis*  
  
A/N: Well, that should be the end of all this absolute madness...insanity...okay. Every review that we got was good *THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!* We may continue, but we have some more material that is a Hogwarts School Newspaper. So tell us in your reviews (you WILL review, remember? You don't? Take some ginko) if you want us to post that news stuff. Thanks to all of you who reviewed! Hope to see you later!  
  
---Fred, George, and Lee 


	5. 

Lockhart: Hi! Welcome back to Lockin' Hearts With Gildery Lockhart! The best show, if I do say so myself, ever!!!  
  
Voice backstage: If you were me I'd fire you for talking to much! Now shut up and get on with the show! *His fist shows on stage* Now get moving!  
  
Lockhart: *To backstage guy* Too bad you aren't me! *To audience* Today we have a wonderful Quidditch chaser Aaaaaangelina Johnson!!!  
  
*Angelina walks on stage*  
  
Lockhart:We also have 3 charming bachelors with us! Come on out, boys!  
  
*Fred, George, and Lee walk out on stage*  
  
Lockhart: *To contestants* Now, lady and gentlemen when either asking or answering a question please diguise your voice so no one can recognize you!  
  
*Fred and George glance at each other and snicker*  
  
Lockhart:Okay, now ask away!  
  
Angelina:Okay, Bachelor #1 are you involved with any sports?  
  
*Lee leans over and whispers something to Fred and George*  
  
Fred: *In normal voice* Yes!  
  
Lockhart: *To audience* And now a word from our sponsers! *Turns to Fred* What do you think you're doing?!? You were supposed to diguise your voice!  
  
*While lockhart is chewing out Fred, George secretly puts a fake wand and a ton-tongue toffee in Lockhart's pocket.*  
  
Lockhart: You knew you weren't disguising your voice! She'll recognize you now!  
  
Fred: But I was diguising my voice! I disguised it as George's.  
  
George: And he did an absolutly spiffing job at it!  
  
Lockhart: Well, don't do it EVER again! *Turns to audience* And now back to Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart! Hit it, girl!  
  
Angelina: Bachelor #2, do you have a sense of humor?  
  
George: *Normal voice, Lockhart scowls* That is what people tell me,Other than teachers, but technically the aren't people.  
  
*Lockhart,who is getting fed up with Fred and George, pulls out the ton-tongue toffee and eats it*  
  
Angelina: Bachelor #3...  
  
*Lockhart gags and runs off stage*  
  
Lee: *Snickering at Lockhart* Huh?  
  
Angelina: *Giggles* I said would you take me to a cheap or fancy restaurant?  
  
Lee: *Very high, girly voice* Err...I guess *snickers again* umm...Is Burger King fancy or not?  
  
Angelina: I guess it could be if you wanted it to...  
  
*Loud gagging noise in the backround, a little bit of tongue shows on stage*  
  
Angelina: *Who figured out who they were instantly* Bache...  
  
*Lockhart comes on stage to end the show 5 minutes early*  
  
Lockhart: Thats all, Ladies and Gentlemen, and remember to buy my autobiography Magical Me! *Puts 'wand' to hat winking* Come back next ti...*fake wand goes off, turns into a rubber chicken*  
  
Lockhart: *To Fred,George, and lee* WHY I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!!! *starts to run after them* COME BACK HERE!!! *Throws rubber chicken at them*  
  
Angelina: Okay, Okay you guys. *Looks at watch* The show is almost over so I had better pick someone. *Grinning ear to ear* I pick...Bachelor #2! George Weasley!  
  
*George stops in his tracks and looks at Angelina, Mouth hanging open, Speechless*  
  
Angelina; *giggling* I always liked you alot so nows my chance to take you out on a date! It's alot less embarressing than asking you out!*  
  
George: Do you want to go to err...the 3 broomsticks?  
  
Angelina: Don't tell me you never liked me back! Aww, man!  
  
*Fred and Lee ahve time for a few jealous looks at George as Lockhart chases them around the studio*  
  
Editors note: We can't put up any more episodes (well, one more wouldn't hurt) until we name the backstage guy so please write your name for him in the reviews! Don't forget that whoever wins gets thier name on an episode in Lockin' Hearts with Gilderoy Lockhart so type the name ou want us to use in too! 


	6. Brand Spanking New Episode!

A/N: Beware, This was another 2:30a.m.er...  
  
Lockhart:Welcome back, Ladies and Gents! Its another interesting edition today! Past Hogwarts teachers that taught Defence against the Dark Arts will be here today! *Well, duh, not me because I'm the host! Anyways, it wouldn't be fair because the ladies just would pick me from the start...*  
  
Oliver Wood: Would you stuff a sock in it! HOST THE SHOW!! YOU FATHEAD !  
  
Lockhart:Please welcome our bachelors! Come on out!  
  
*Moody, Lupin, and Quirrel walk out on stage*  
  
Lockhart: And our lucky gal...come on out!  
  
*McGonagall comes out*  
  
Lockhart: So, girl, ask away!  
  
McGonagall: Bachelor #1, would you say you were...wait just a moment! What the heck does that have to do with ANYTHING!  
  
Lockhart: I, uh, have *cough,cough* um, nothing to do with the questions...heh,heh...heh...  
McGonagall:Well, in that case...#1, do you consider yourself fat?  
  
Quirrel: F-A-T or P-H-A-T? Well, I am pretty foxy! I'm not tubby either.  
  
*Groan from audience disagreeing*  
  
McGonagall:Quirrel?!?! Is that you?!  
  
Quirrel: Minerva? What are you doing on here?  
  
McGonagall: What am I doing on here!? What are YOU doing on here!?!? I thought you were dead!  
  
Quirrel: Well, what can I say? It was too gruesome for the kiddies. Had to bring me back. By the way, stop calling me 'Quirrel'.  
  
McGonagall: What should I call you by then?  
  
Quirrel: Have you tried my first name?  
  
McGonagall: Uh, oh yeah, right. Sorry for the stupid question but what is your first name anyways?  
  
Quirrel:Err...Actually I don't know either. Everyone just always called me 'Quirrel'. It was always "Quirrel do this, Quirrel do that." I guess I just don't have a first name. *Sniff, Sniff*WAHHHHH!!!!  
  
Mcgonagall: Oh, I'm sorry. *Oi-veh!* Anyways, on with the show. Bachelor #2 do you have a girlfriend?  
  
Lupin: I did once but I accidently bit her on our first date.  
  
Mcganagall: *Accidently! Ewww...* Okay, now...#3, how much, would you say, knowledge do you have in DADA?  
  
Moody: None that I could teach children...  
  
Mcgonagall: But you specialize in that! YOU TAUGHT IT!  
  
Moody: No, I didn't.  
  
Mcgonagall: Yes, you did!  
  
Moody: Nuh-uh!  
  
Mcgonagall: Yuh-huh!  
  
Moody: Phht!  
  
Lockhart: Okay, break it up, people, break it up.  
  
Moody: She started it.  
  
McGonagall: Did not!  
  
Moody: Did so!  
  
McGonagall: Oh yeah? Take this! *Takes out compact mirror/makeup and points it around the wall at Moody* Stupefy!  
  
*Moody dodges it*  
  
Moody: Right back at you! * Blasts the wall to smitherines*  
  
McGonagall: My hair! You singed my hair! *Casts jelly legs*  
  
*Moody mumbles a spell back*  
  
Lockhart: *Jumping out of the way of a misaimed spell* Ah! Don't kill the host!  
  
*Moody and McGonagall are killing the set and blasting it into itty bitty bits of smouldering ash*  
  
Lockhart: Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!!   
  
*Moody and McGonagall suddenly stop and face Lockhart*  
  
McGonagall: *To Moody* On the count of three. One...  
  
Moody:Two...  
  
Moody and McGonagall:THREE!!! *Cast spells at Lockhart*  
  
Lockhart: *Wobbeling around because of Jelly Legs and putting his hat out because it was fire* Thanks Ladies and Gentlemen...OW! *Falls to floor, (Full Body Bind) ringed nose hair and all* Goodbye and acn can somebody HELP ME!!!  
  
A/N: Can anyone find the secret Jamba Juice cup in there? I lost it while I was writing... 


End file.
